Lost at Sea...

I lie in bed, in my head, trying not to wake him. I feel guilt, shame, and pain for the man sleeping next to me- the one I would want to be near, call with good news, share a life with. And now... I love him, as my friend, as the father of my children, but in my heart, I know that happiness isn't with me.

I've always made it a priority to put others first. I think about their feelings, needs, and goals, and so easily put my own passions and needs on the backburner. I live life like it's a duty-a job- and not a choice to live each day fully. Then, I add everyone else's emotional baggage to my plate, as if it's the only option.

I feel like I could continue on this path, letting the current carry me through life, or I could choose to swim ashore and choose happiness. Maybe then, with the sun beating down on me, sipping a cold drink, listening to my favorite playlist, I could live a life I only ever dreamed of. But instead, I feel stranded at sea, waiting for someone or something to save me, or direct me to my next destination.

I feel weak, though I know I'm strong. I know the next step I need to take to save myself, yet I remain adrift, floating away. I know what's best for me, but I let society, and the feelings of others dictate my life. I disappoint myself or choose unhappiness rather than making positive strides toward shore.

How did I get here? How do I swim away without leaving him behind to drown? How do I navigate the waves ahead to reach shore with everyone in one piece? I can't control everyone's feelings, but I can pray for them to not only get out safely, but to reach their dream destination as well.

I am strong. I am loving. I can create the life I've only envisioned in my dreams. I don't have to live a life without someone I've spent decades of my life caring for. I'm not scared of the unknown, of what lies ahead.

It's time to start swimming...

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